Friday, December 26, 2008

Broken heart

I’m at lost of words or actions.   Honestly I have no clue what to do…   And apart from my husband, I don’t know who to talk too or on which shoulder I should cry my heart out…  You see I called my mom yesterday to wish her a Merry Christmas and it didn’t went well.    My mom is not a Christian – Oh she believe in God according to her but she always says that her God and our God is not the same.   She is right.   She once told me her God (or Jesus) accepts everyone and everything…   You know the commandment – You shall not have any other God but me.   Well my mom has her own version of God.   Probably because she got burned by the Catholic church back in the 50s and 60s.   In Quebec, The Catholic Church had a lot of control back then.   Anyhow, it still has repercussion in the 21st century unfortunately.    Quebec is searching in all the wrong places…   Many consider themselves Catholics but attendance in the church is down – go figure.    Many have ties in the New Age stuff.   Amazing the number of New Ages stores there is in Montreal alone.

Back to my story – so I called mom and the bubble exploded once again.  This time, I don’t know what to do.   You see my mom got abused from family when she was younger and her husband too   Not physically I think, but emotionally and verbally.   And in so many years (she is 64 now), she has built a HUUUUUGE wall around her for protection.   You think it’s easy to reach out.   Every time we try to visit, I think it goes well and then a couple or few months afterward, I get the entire negative… Comments are twisted to the negative and so on.   ARG!   Problem is I’m an only child – no brothers or sisters.   I don’t have support apart from my husband and he wonders why I continue to call.   I can’t leave her alone…  no matter what I do I will get it – the negative comments I mean! 

You must be wondering if we ever shared the Gospel with her.  The answer is yes.   I thought it had gone well…   I explained twice over a week-end the whole relationship with God thing and the choice was hers…  Well a bubble exploded a few months later.   Boy!   I wasn’t expecting it.  Since then, I have to ask to go down and most of the time I receive a NO.   Last time I saw her when was my girl was born.   Not that I didn’t try but what should I do?

Now my husband wanted me to ask her to come down.   I procrastinated and waited…  wanting to see an opportunity to ask but knowing deep down her answer.   She I didn’t do it.   And yesterday BAM!   The guilt over me…  but at the same time the rage about the whole thing.   Oh LORD what should I do.   I don’t know.

Now Hubby wants to go down next Sunday.  I say we respect her.   Whatever I do I know what awaits me… conflict, cries, negative comments…  and you know what?  I’m tired of this.   Sooooo tired.    I mean how can I explain to my kids we don’t see mamie often even when she lives about 2 hours 30 minutes from us?   Why they don’t talk on the phone to her?   Why she doesn’t send gifts?

You know what happened one day while Alexandre was talking to her on the phone and he asked her why she didn’t have Jesus in her heart?  Poor kid was 3 years old I think.   She hung up on him.  He looked at me and simply said “Mamie is not on the phone anymore.”  Breaks my heart.   Then I got the brainwashing talk…   She once told me that I was in a sect, that she didn’t understand why I rejected the Catholic faith and so on…   Mind you we never were practicing when I was younger going to church only at Christmas, Easter or when visiting my maternal grandmother.   I wasn’t perfect in the past, I made errors…  I try to apologize for the errors…  Really I did.   But my mom loves to live in the past – how her husband cheated on her and left, what I said and done, what her family did and so on…   So sad.

It breaks my heart.  I don’t know what to do.   Except praying that is but even that I wonder if it’s worth it…   I’m at the point I just want to throw the towel.  Give up in other words.  But I can’t…  Not giving up is my way of honoring her.  So what should  I do?

Even Hubby thinks she doesn’t deserve me and says I should stop calling her for a while.   I pointed out that it’s funny he says that and at the same time thinks we should go down immediately.    LOL He said   I’m right and that we should continue to reach out.  But does he understand that I am tired and my emotions are at a thin line on this subject?  I wonder.

So for now, knowing that she is emotionally instable and tired, I shall respect her wish to not go down but I need to visit her…soon.  

Every year from November until February it’s hard….   Her mom died on November 6th one year – the day after my mom’s birthday.  Then a couple of year later, my mom discovered that my dad was cheating (that was in November too!) and he waited until February 14th the following year to leave.   Fast forward a few years and my dad died on December 24th 2000.   That did it.   My mom lost everything according to her because of this other woman.   Another one has got all the work that she has done in her life.    Another one is getting whatever my dad left behind.  You see what I mean.

For me it’s another thing from the past to deal with periodically.   Maybe I shouldn’t have called yesterday but it was Christmas day after all.

So honestly, what should I do?   My heart is broken for her.  I want to see her in Heaven with us.  But my hopes are crushed.  

I don’t know what to do anymore…

Help me God.

Touch her in any way.

Show her the Truth.

Protect her.

Bring forth a worker to bring her to you.  Family didn’t work so why not a stranger.

Bring her to church – a good one.

Transform her.  Save her.


Please pray for me.   I need to be strong.


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